ZODIAC 101

Fiercely Candid. Not Very Accurate.

We probably could have relied on a professional to bring you Zodiac 101 elsewhere, but where’s the fun in that? Plus, we assumed they were all too busy winning the lottery and helping policemen almost solve crimes. So, you’re stuck with me. For the past week, I spent the evening knee-deep in astral maps, connecting with the universe. I fathom none of it. Here you go:

Aries

Aries have ram-like eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' 'Hard Headed Woman' was probably an Aries. He or she rarely says one thing and do another. And if they do the wrong thing, they never discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they don’t, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries are never born. They just skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades.

Taurus

They are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute they're up, the next they're down, and before you know it, they've shot their favorite TV cast member in the kneecaps, just because. They're very earthy, which may mean they like to roll around with their nose in clover and sigh. They are generally tough to figure out because they answer every question with another question. Tauruses love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They are impatient and pushy. Most Tauruses love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong.

Gemini

Geminus like to think that they are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. Geminus drive funny cars. They rarely compete in the Olympics, but when they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. They speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. They are frequently ambidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time.

Cancer

Despite their need to be everyone's savior, they need little social interaction. Their home is like their very own Biodome, and they can remain indoors for months at a time. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. Cancers are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. They will never excel in sports because they have to rest for fifteen minutes every time they breathe. They don’t mind, since they plan to conduct their career from the comfort of their own bed. Cancers coin their own words when being reflective, why it comes as no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer.

Leo

Leos will grab attention in any way they possibly can. They like to kiss mirrors a lot. They will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who’s trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. They open doors by screaming at them and expect their clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Humility frightens Leos. Aquarians might hang posters of rock stars on their walls, Pisces of unicorns, and Capricorns of great mathematicians. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.

Virgo

Virgos regulate their breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in their closet. Everything has its place, and theirs is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a nice euphemism for the word ‘Virgo’. Tell them they have something between their teeth and they freak out. Virgos are cool though and will offer to do your laundry. They will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Don't ever put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go all 'The Shining' on your ass and you’ll be stabbed with a cuticle pusher.

Libra

Libras are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. They are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on their own. They constantly worry about what other people think. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand and they single-handedly started the cappuccino movement. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes, but if you get a Libra as drunk as possible, he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait.

Scorpio

They got into computers early on, so most of the hackers are definitely Scorpios. Many of them have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower too. Their number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. It is still hard for them to accept that Star Trek is fiction. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range, since is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get them arrested. Scorpios presumably cheat at the lottery, and if it's automated, they can hack it too.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They love to entertain their friends, family and total strangers. This often includes transvestism. Sagittarians are loud and have poor social graces. Animals and small children love Sagittarians, but this is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than the actual Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets.

Capricorn

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable and super smart more often than not, which explains why they are such pains in the ass sometimes. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo, and they think this makes them both charismatic and logical. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones, even if they’re not always turned on. A reason why Capricorns presumably went out of style in 1989.

Aquarius

The Aquarius loves a party anytime, anywhere, with anyone. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. They tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. They use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when talking about profound concepts. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball by themselves. They can also walk on water if they try really, really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Most rock stars are known to be Aquarians.

Pisces

Pisces are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as they’re concerned, if it didn't happen in 'The Velveteen Rabbit', it doesn't exist. They remember what they were wearing on March 3rd 1981, but forget their own mobile number. Pisces claim to want ‘honest criticism’ of their work, but then they commit harakiri when you say you don't like it. They cry over dead animals in the road, but feel no remorse about mowing down people they don't like. Never try to use logic with a Pisces. He or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground of Narnia.

Focus Student Magazine

Published Spring 2015